Judgment Day

...
Results come out today.

I haven't yet worked up the guts to go check them. Its been nagging at the back of my mind ever since the last exam I sat. I know I said that I wouldn't think about it this holidays.. but yea.. its been nagging me.

I remember the day that the TEE results came out. Well technically they came out before I realised they could be accessed.. but I remember the moment in front of the computer.

I had just come home from a day out with the girls, when Ashleigh asked me about my TER.. I was clueless about the fact they they had been out.. but I immediately felt a rush of fear come across me.. a mixture of fear and anticipation. 12 years of hard work in high school.. 12 years of pushing myself to focus.. came down to that one moment.

As previously planned, I called up Canh and told her about the fact that the results were up.. we were going to check the results at the same time..

We logged in... and I waited.. while the computer loaded.. bits of the screen appeared before my eyes. We were silent..

My screen finished loading first.. and then it appeared... the number that would scar me.. well at that time I would we would be forever branded by that one score.. a number that would forever haunt me. Once I saw that number... I immediately cried... I cried and cried.. all day. My parents weren't home and it was just my sisters. They tried so hard but I just couldn't stop the tears. After getting off the phone with Canh (who was also disappointed) I stayed in my room and sat there.. as if the room had lost all colour. I didn't do THAT badly.. I know a lot of people out there would think I'm stupid and would have loved to get what I got.. but it was about my expectation of myself. Perhaps it was because it was my only goal for the whole of high school.. It was what got me through high school.. knowing I had a goal and having to strive and constantly push myself to achieve it.. to not give up... and when I didn't get anywhere near my target.. Just shattered. But after a few hours, I finally snapped out of my autistic fit and plonked myself in front of the TV. Trying to drown it all out.. all the thoughts.. trying to allow it all to fade away.

When my parents came home... the tears started up again. I felt as if I let them down. Although academically, my parents have never expected anything from me.. I felt as if I let them down.

...

Its almost been three years since then, and that number (which I still hate to this day) hasn't really affected me. Sure, in the first few months of first year uni, it was a hot topic when first meeting people... but after that it hasn't really been mentioned (cept in the Asian gossip community.. I'm sure a lot of u out there understand wat I mean). At the end of the day.. I still made it didn't I?

So, I've planned to keep this in my mind when I check this semester's results. After all said and done.. I might get upset about my results, but there are other things more important. Right? I need affirmation! hehehe

hehehe I say this now.. but lets see what happens after I see the results. Ok.. *big sigh* ... off to see the judgment

Good Luck with your results everyone =)