Those Three Words

I don't know if you have noticed.. then again its probably hard not to.. but I've been quite temperamental these days. I seem to have backed myself into a corner and I don't know how to get out. Even those things that used to make me happy~ even for just a while~ don't really help anymore. I sick of talking to people about it.. not because I'm sick of people.. but more because I'm sick of myself talking about the same ole crap.. if they don't find me annoying enough already I'm finding myself annoying. Why can't everything just stop rotating in my mind.

Its funny that three harmless words, those words that are meant to be empathetic, supporting and caring, are probably the three words that have made me cry the most. Are You Okay? I just don't know how to respond to that with anything else... is it because once those words are said I realise that the world can actually see my weaknesses. That I am transparent, that I'm crumbling into a million pieces and can no longer hold my senses together.

為什麼?
你能抖我開心嗎?
真的不知道怎麼沉下去了...
我是不是讓你們很失望 ...

A New Semester

My new semester starts tomorrow. This actually might (yes I said might) be my last semester for a long while. I only have 2 hours of class a week. Yes I know.. I'm not a real uni student *loves it*. Anyway I am looking forward to classes because this unit is on clinical psychology. Its been a while since I've done Clin classes and I think I always liked them. That's probably half my dilemma right there.. whether to do a masters in Clinical Psychology (which I have always had something for.. I mean all first year psychs always imagine themselves as Clins) or in IO (Industrial and Organisational Psychology). Why I would even consider IO is because yes.. there is a link to my economics degree and the Vac work I did previously with Deliotte. Who knows. Plus I don't think I intend on doing Masters any time soon.

Wedding stuff is getting closer and closer. I am very worried but at the same time excited for my sister. So much has to be done, but I really can't believe time has flew by so quickly. A year ago I remember complaining about my sister wanting me to sort out the music for the reception soon.. and now.. its almost time. So much has changed and so much to look forward to. Had the Hens day-night last weekend. Was interesting to say the least. It was meant to be Japanese themed and I got my Sister's friends to run around ikea for a treasure hunt. haha customers at Ikea were like is there some sort of event going on that we don't know about??! But all in good fun. I attempted to go harajuku..

Half of thesis draft almost done. Just a few hundred left.. due this Friday at 9am. Its totally do-able *hi-five* Can't wait to Shilla as a reward.. hahah I would Shilla anyways. Maybe I reward myself too much.. I got my hair treatmented today. Feels good. Lets just hope it lasts. I dunno why but I love the smell of the hairdressers.. and ur hair after u have been to the hairdressers :)

Anyways.. seems like its bed time.

Goodnite!

You know for every second that you look at the sky it is actually never the same. It seems so patient .. to wait above us for all time .. and yet its hard to notice that actually it is forever changing, forever moving forward, forever intangible.

It makes me wonder.. will you ever see the same piece of the sky that I see? Is there anyone looking up at what is sometimes taken for granted and thinking the same thing at the same time? Its so beautiful. I wonder if it knows it? haha stupid question right. haha

I want to sing more. But is it the same singing to myself in my room? Do i need the ktv? Is that even a question? haha I miss it. I miss the thrill of ktv. But I have come to realise that it actually must be done in the right company otherwise it is just not the same. What was the right company then might not be the same company now.. after all people move on right? Or maybe I've just come to accept that actually.. I do change too. I wish I didn't. I wish you could count on me to be the same person as I was for all time. But I know part of me has changed. Revolution?

Sister's Hens is next week. I'm actually quite looking forward to it. Mainly cos its a dress up haha ima look stupid again. Should be fun. I shall post up the photos after it. Hopefully I can pull off what I plan haha exciting.

Finally starting to figure out manual focus on my slr. One word: Awesome! Still much to learn. Lets go play?

With Love,

Stronger than that

Why is it that I must pretend that I am strong. That I can get thru it all. That I crushed and lost deep within. Why is it that I come across as being delicate but at the same time stable. Why is it that I refuse to cry in front of others when thats all I really need. Why is it that you cannot see these weakness of mine and stop me from my lies of being stronger than that.

Sometimes I really do feels so insignificant and vulnerable to all that is out there. I wish I knew it would be ok. I wish I knew myself like you know me. Afterall isn't it what everyone wants.. to feel protected .. protected from others, the world and yourself.

I no longer want to be .. stronger than that...

Haru Haru

I stare at my monthly planner on the wall.. in big red letter is reads THESIS: introduction and method first draft due, 30th July. It’s achievable. If I make the effort. Which I must.

But .. and yes there always must be a but .. my brain won't function. I need a delete button.. to delete all that was. haha but life is never that easy is it. I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking about the alternative roads. This is not how it played out in reality.. so why does it play out like that in my head? Why did I imagine myself like that? When in actuality I pretty much did the opposite? Is it my subconscious leaking into my conscious thoughts? ... all I really want to know is why. Questions that will never be answered.

Last night I had a session with Mishie and a few coronas. It was a chilled night. But it was a good night. Met a few new people too.. Its always good to expose yourself to new perspectives. So much for MIA right? I always say I want it.. Then when faced with it I get worried. Still going to say it tho.. cos who is going to stop me? You?

下雨天 ... 陪我的雨滴

Saturday Night

A Picture to say A Thousand Words

Home on a Saturday night is a bit weird. I mean its not as if I'm always out on Saturday night... am I? Anyway.. not the point. The point is that it feels quite weird. Do I have stuff to do? Yah.. honours work ... at at the same time it feels like im taking a break tonight. Bah. I don't even know what I'm trying to get at.

I've fallen in love with Shilla Cafe recently. Like seriously LOVE the place. I don't know why.. the atmosphere? The river? The Park.. its everything. I love East Perth. Which is a good thing because it lead to me and Lisa's plan for before 40! haha

Maybe I should just sleep. I like this photo of us today.. love winter photos.. lighting is always better on winter days...

Janice, Lisa and Noelle

-Another Winter Day-

You.

There is a first for everything. This might be one of my most honest posts yet.

I don't know how.. and why but I let you by my side. When I was prepared to say no.. somehow I still said yes. And slowly.. day by day you grew on me. My friends would not be surprised because it they know me too well. Know that I get attached to people, things and ideas all too easily. Is this what happened? When they were against it.. I still gave you a chance ... I still don't know why.

Maybe its true. I'm not good at showing people how I feel. I thought I was transparent... when in actual fact I'm quite the enigma when I choose to be. But I did think about it.. I did think about you.. I did think about us. Maybe that was just not enough.

At the end of the day. I have these memories. Be it for good or bad.. it will be a part of my history.

Don't regret. I will spend today forgetting ... and tomorrow will be my new start.

t-21. Goodbye. You.